Jumping Back In to Reality

 

 

It's been awhile since I found time to jot down my thoughts here... I was going stir crazy at home and thinking about all my work responsibilities piling up during my absence which made me get back to reality two weeks sooner than expected. I'm struggling daily with not falling back into the same negative rut I was in before my surgery. My job is very intense and stressful and completely out of control for just one person to handle. I committed to myself that I am only one person and to give the 100% I am capable of and not consume myself with stress and worry about what has not been accomplished in my 8 hr work day.

 

 

 

 

I run a Foundation for a long term care facility... it is challenging in itself to get donors to support a long term care facility. It is run by a board of directors of 14 with members from the community that are all unique and challenging in their own right. Working with these volunteers to get my job done has been one of the greatest challenges in my life so far. My job is rewarding and the atmosphere I work in is more like an extended family and home than a job. It does has some aspects that keep you in the reality of the fact that is is a Job but it is amazing most days to wake up and be happy your going to work.

 

 

 

 

I have always gotten bored quite easily and have made many changes in the job department looking for something worth my 100%. With this job there are not enough hours in the day to accomplish the expectations of this position and that can be overwhelming but I could never complain of being bored for sure! Interacting and being in a close community life with our residents and working in their home fills me up and it overflows most days... I love the interaction I have with them and that they look forward to me just as much as I do with them everyday. I have some what of a daily routine ritual from our Kinsmen workshop residents leaving in the morning for "work" and the good morning routine and welcome we have with each other. I have residents who stop by everyday from 5 to 10mins to 1/2 hr visits like clock work... I even have one residents husband who comes by everyday @ 4pm just before I head home to tell me about his day.... He's 86 and they just celebrated 60 years... INSPIRATION!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Working in a long term care facility gives you appreciation for life and  the complete journey that is life... I have witnessed residents as young as 35 with MS struggle with being a mom with four kids stuck in a LTC facility and how unfair that seems to the rest of the world and how tragic that would feel to me. I am 36 and I cant imagine living a day in her shoes and wonder WHY??? what purpose of living through this was she brought into this world??? I've watched Alzheimer's patients come in who are just starting to have memory loss and seen their journey through to the end of this terrible disease and how difficult that is for their loved ones. I've witnessed residents brought to our home and family never visit and the loneliness that eventually kills the soul and residents who have family who visit everyday and see the true meaning of love and family to the very end of one's journey here on this earth.

 

 

 

It is an environment that is challenging to work in for many reasons but just as rewarding for all the same reasons. I did not ever once think that I would be working as I am today... This job fell into my lap and I take pride in what I do... I am blessed to be apart of the daily lives of the 120 residents who call my work their Home and although challenging and frustrating dealing with the politics and union BS that goes with it I wouldn't change a thing about where I am today in my life. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and this job has enabled me to grow and believe in myself like nothing else in my life has. I have met so many people and from many walks of life because of this job. I feel like I am able to make a difference in just giving 100% of my abilities and that is so rewarding to my heart & soul... It has healed something in me that was damaged beyond repair I thought.

 

 

 

 

I do this job because I love who it has made me become in life...  I would love to work for a larger foundation one day but in saying that I'm not sure it would give me the same satisfaction without the personal one on one interaction with the people I work so hard for everyday? Can I do this for another 19yrs though? I ask myself this all the time and I look always at job ads just in case something else is out there I never thought of trying... It's just in my nature to always try new things and move on... I just hope that this job because I am so emotionally attached does not burn me out... that's my goal right now... do what you can... with what you have... and with what is in your control!

Jenn~

My Knight in Shining Armour

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtOvBOTyX00 - A Thousand Years

I have learned what True unconditional Love is... Through a bond so strong created through growth and time. He has been the one stable and unwavering presence in my life and without him I truly would not be who and where I am today. My husband started his first vital role in my life as my friend and crush... He was playful and teasing and brought me out of my shell and made me feel things about myself I didn't know existed. He created HOPE in me that blossomed and became something I desperately wanted to hold on to. He made me feel pretty and funny and strong. I'm not sure why he was so attached to me and needing to help bring me out of my shell and work through the pain that I didn't verbally share with him or anyone else but I know it was written all over my face and my mannerisms... It still is today.

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0o1gMwbWqpQ - If Not For You

Steve took me on when he could have chosen any girl who was  not so damaged and unbalanced. I fought him always along the way and tried so many different ways to show him that I was not good enough or worth all the effort he was putting in. I was afraid of being loved... being let down... giving someone that much power over my heart... I made many mistakes along the way and tortured us both so unnecessarily... He never gave up even when it did change him and at times he did pull away and became bitter and distant and even hateful he always found his way back and thank god he fought so hard and made me believe that I was worth loving and being loved.

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWUsFGZjqVE Born to be your woman

 

 

I was told by many that he was not good enough for me that I could do so  much better. I knew that I had found the best person I had ever met in my life who was full of so much love and compassion and he was so young and already understood so much more than the adults in my life. How could they possibly think that someone so incredible was not good enough for someone like me? I battled with believing in all my soul that I was the one truly not good enough for him and when he realized that he would leave me for someone who came from a better life and could offer him what I was unable to. That fear scared me to truly open myself up to him and led to so much jealousy and fear that he would leave me one day. I have struggled for years with that and every once in awhile that fear sneaks in and I have to CRUSH it or spiral into a place I know to be hard to get out of  for me.

 

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vzo-EL_62fQ Bleeding Love

 

I have spent our life together working very hard at being his equal and helping him create the life I feel we deserve. I never want him to look back and have regrets that he could have chosen someone else ... someone with less baggage and crap to work through... I have tried to help balance out the positive with working as hard as I could to help us get there to out weigh the negative and challenges that my past continuously makes us work through. Today we are the happiest that we have been ever.... I have made some serious changes and worked on my internal self. He is so proud of how far I have come and the changes I have made to get there and is supportive and my #1 rock as he always has been.

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXUzzVPEtxM  -  Love all your Life

 

We have an amazing relationship based on friendship and we challenge each other always. We have accomplished so much together and have given our children a lifestyle that I could only have dreamed of. We make a very strong committed team and I am so proud of who we are today. We love to travel and we make sure that we do as much travelling for just the two of us as we do take the kids along. Our children enjoy travelling just as much and our very active and love to explore. We love the outdoors and own a trailer on a lake close by our home which we spend allot of time together there just the two of us (the kids are older and don't care to go all the time). In the last 11 years in Saskatchewan our relationship has blossomed and has become unbreakable. We have learned so much about one anothers strengths and weaknesses and have encouraged growth in each other without the interference of the negative influences that were destroying us when we lived closer to our family.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AD8jafvJEPQ Fall Into Me

 

 

 

 

 

I know that no matter what life trials and tribulations he will always be there to hold me and catch me when I'm falling. He is so sensitive and nurturing and kind and giving... He is everything that I could have dreamed of having in my life, I know that he is my soul mate and I will never find another true love... This is my one and only for this lifetime... I am grateful for everyday that I have this man in my life and feel blessed that he chose me to be in his everyday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrpB6U7WICA Love like Crazy

 

 

 

 

 

When you find a person that you are able to be 100% your true self with ... when you have no fear of sharing your every thought or expressions with... When you can share your dreams and aspirations and never feel judged or silly or looked down upon. When you can make decisions that never pan out and you fail time and time again and never be judged for not following through with it. When you can quit and give up on the world around you and spiral downwards and they are there for you time and time again to bring you back from the darkness and lift you up higher than the last time and continuously give you hope and strength you better hang on to that person and cherish them and make them feel like they are the most important thing in the entire world because they Truly are.

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2E9XX7fKwJA  - She's Everything to me
 

My Incredible husband is not an Incredible singer... ;) but I love when this song comes on he sings it with passion and I feel the love in his voice and to me in that moment is the most Incredible singer in the entire world! He has an amazing way of making me feel like I am everything that matters in this crazy world. Like he would do anything to see me smile and to make me happy and giggle. He loves to see joy in me and has done so many things over the years to make that possible for me. I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world now because of this Beautiful man who adores me and wants nothing but for me to have Hope, confidence, strength, determination and to know that I deserve to be loved and cherished and adored.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNZH-emehxA You're still the one

 

 

I spend a great deal of time nurturing my soul with music... It speaks  to my very core and I spend allot of time alone singing my heart out when no one can hear me... I do allot of crying which feels cleansing for me... I choose songs and artists that touch me.. I chose all the songs in this blog because they mean something to me and make me think of "My Knight in Shining Armour" and what he means to me and what our relationship means to both of us and some of the things we have been through and conquered together. I sang "You're Still the One" by Shania Twain at our weeding reception while Steve sat on a chair in the middle of the dance floor ... Most of the friends and family in the room had never heard me sing or even knew that I was very good at it... I sang from my heart & soul and for the first time singing the lyrics to this song I didn't cry like a baby. It was a message  to those in the room who had tried to tell us that we would never make it in life... that we were not meant to be together ... that we made it and we beat the odds and the challenges they all put in our way. I was determined to prove to them that they didn't know anything about US or who we were as a couple and it was my private vow to him that we were better and stronger and that we had taken their challenge head on and we were fighters and our love persevered above all... It was a surprise gift to him and he sat there in total awe and that was the best gift that he could have given me... His pure amazement that I had done something so brave in front of everyone in our lives. There was not dry eye in the room...

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTF97_ve118 - Always

 

The first song we ever danced to.....