Evolving~

Who am I?

What do I want in life? what will make me happy? Why am I here? What is the point of all this anyways?

 

I know I'm not alone in my thoughts... My internal daily struggles... my wanting to fit in, feel happy & content. We all battle with these feelings...I find it easier to help others, try to make their lives have hope and meaning which makes me feel good. I can be the shoulder that everyone needs to lean on and I have great listening skills and do my best to help anyway that I can and in return I guess I'm getting purpose in my life?!

How Cute was I?? I'm not quite a year old here



 I struggle with so much but keep it all  internally as I never want to actually burden anyone else. Everyone sees Jenn as the Happy go Lucky always smiling fun person to be around. I am blessed to have this as a personality trait but it's not truly the person I feel I am on the inside. I have demons and battle with so much all the time. I'm just like everyone else but I never want to have anyone take me on in that way.

 

Me around the age of 7... This is at the Toronto CNE... I remember like it was yesterday! Korinna and I were so excited to go on the rides... we spent the entire day walking the buildings because that what my parents wanted to do... we were yelled at all day long to stop whining that the day was not just all about us... apparently it was not about us at all!!! we spent hours walking the boring buildings and when it was an hour before we went home that night we got to ride 3 rides before leaving... who brings their kids to an exhibition and teases them all day with the hopes of having fun like all the rest of the kids were doing. I can see my sadness in this picture... I was told to smile and at least look like I was having fun... :)

 

I try desperately not to look backwards and let disappointments from my past drag me down. Whats the point of allowing that to have control over today and the current? It's a continuous battle and one that I struggle with but I try desperately to practice what I preach. I just wish that some of the past things were not always up in your face. Like having people never contribute to your life who brought you into the world. How can a parent not want to be an active role in your life and your children's lives? Why should I care anyway? I guess its difficult not to take it personally or feel like what is wrong with me that someone who should be so important in your life not want to be in it? My sisters are struggling with this reality and realization as well and it's been difficult on all of us. We battle the same demon and sometimes it breaks us, makes us angry & bitter and no one can understand why we can be so hateful at times. It is personal!

 

When you have your own children and you feel all the motherly love, affection and the lioness comes out in you its hard to comprehend how that didn't happen for you?!What can make the healing process even more difficult is falling in love with a man who comes from a loving environment. At first your in awe at what a real family is like... and how wonderful being surrounded by this wonderment of true family... then you get angry and bitter at the fact that you missed out on so much and why wasn't your life like this? then you become HATEFUL to the man you love...his family... and want to cut the world off.... You never take it out on the people who your hatred is focused on...God forbid you hurt them... and there's where my problem exists... why cant I hurt them in return? why is it so hard to tell them that they Fucked me up?? that I struggle emotionally and have so many flaws because of the damage they caused and are still causing in me?? Why do I want the to even know or have control ...what point would it do anyways? they have never had a clue and are not able to comprehend that they are incapable of so much that should have been just a natural thing for them to do... We all have a story...our own up bringing and demons and I know they have theirs... but I had mine and I didn't raise my children the way I was raised... I made a choice... why could theirs not have been different? why is it so easy to continue being vacant in my life? Why do I care???!!!

 I'm 36 years old and I need to learn to not let this control my world anymore like I tell my sisters. Practice what you Preach!

I am not a perfect parent...I work very hard not to repeat the mistakes my parents made and continue making in our relationship and want desperately to get over the fact that it will never evolve to what I need it to be emotionally because it's too late for that to make a difference in me emotionally. I just need to make sure that I am always trying to be different and make the changes to connect with my children so that when they grow up and leave our home that they want to call and visit and be an active part in their lives and our grandchildren's lives. In the end the decisions you make now determine your future and how it plays out... choices! they always have consequences... My children will tell you that I am a difficult parent to get along with... that I have a temper and I expect too much of them...I am these things... some things I challenge myself daily with and others I need to be so they don't make choices and feel like someone doesn't care if they make mistakes... My children mean the world to me and I will forever do anything to keep them in my life and make what ever changes required to do so...  I am not always proud of my parenting skills and I've made many mistakes in the process believe me... But I'm growing and learning and making changes every single day to be better! That's all I ever expected... That's all I still expect of anyone else...

J~