My Knight in Shining Armour

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtOvBOTyX00 - A Thousand Years

I have learned what True unconditional Love is... Through a bond so strong created through growth and time. He has been the one stable and unwavering presence in my life and without him I truly would not be who and where I am today. My husband started his first vital role in my life as my friend and crush... He was playful and teasing and brought me out of my shell and made me feel things about myself I didn't know existed. He created HOPE in me that blossomed and became something I desperately wanted to hold on to. He made me feel pretty and funny and strong. I'm not sure why he was so attached to me and needing to help bring me out of my shell and work through the pain that I didn't verbally share with him or anyone else but I know it was written all over my face and my mannerisms... It still is today.

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0o1gMwbWqpQ - If Not For You

Steve took me on when he could have chosen any girl who was  not so damaged and unbalanced. I fought him always along the way and tried so many different ways to show him that I was not good enough or worth all the effort he was putting in. I was afraid of being loved... being let down... giving someone that much power over my heart... I made many mistakes along the way and tortured us both so unnecessarily... He never gave up even when it did change him and at times he did pull away and became bitter and distant and even hateful he always found his way back and thank god he fought so hard and made me believe that I was worth loving and being loved.

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWUsFGZjqVE Born to be your woman

 

 

I was told by many that he was not good enough for me that I could do so  much better. I knew that I had found the best person I had ever met in my life who was full of so much love and compassion and he was so young and already understood so much more than the adults in my life. How could they possibly think that someone so incredible was not good enough for someone like me? I battled with believing in all my soul that I was the one truly not good enough for him and when he realized that he would leave me for someone who came from a better life and could offer him what I was unable to. That fear scared me to truly open myself up to him and led to so much jealousy and fear that he would leave me one day. I have struggled for years with that and every once in awhile that fear sneaks in and I have to CRUSH it or spiral into a place I know to be hard to get out of  for me.

 

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vzo-EL_62fQ Bleeding Love

 

I have spent our life together working very hard at being his equal and helping him create the life I feel we deserve. I never want him to look back and have regrets that he could have chosen someone else ... someone with less baggage and crap to work through... I have tried to help balance out the positive with working as hard as I could to help us get there to out weigh the negative and challenges that my past continuously makes us work through. Today we are the happiest that we have been ever.... I have made some serious changes and worked on my internal self. He is so proud of how far I have come and the changes I have made to get there and is supportive and my #1 rock as he always has been.

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXUzzVPEtxM  -  Love all your Life

 

We have an amazing relationship based on friendship and we challenge each other always. We have accomplished so much together and have given our children a lifestyle that I could only have dreamed of. We make a very strong committed team and I am so proud of who we are today. We love to travel and we make sure that we do as much travelling for just the two of us as we do take the kids along. Our children enjoy travelling just as much and our very active and love to explore. We love the outdoors and own a trailer on a lake close by our home which we spend allot of time together there just the two of us (the kids are older and don't care to go all the time). In the last 11 years in Saskatchewan our relationship has blossomed and has become unbreakable. We have learned so much about one anothers strengths and weaknesses and have encouraged growth in each other without the interference of the negative influences that were destroying us when we lived closer to our family.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AD8jafvJEPQ Fall Into Me

 

 

 

 

 

I know that no matter what life trials and tribulations he will always be there to hold me and catch me when I'm falling. He is so sensitive and nurturing and kind and giving... He is everything that I could have dreamed of having in my life, I know that he is my soul mate and I will never find another true love... This is my one and only for this lifetime... I am grateful for everyday that I have this man in my life and feel blessed that he chose me to be in his everyday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrpB6U7WICA Love like Crazy

 

 

 

 

 

When you find a person that you are able to be 100% your true self with ... when you have no fear of sharing your every thought or expressions with... When you can share your dreams and aspirations and never feel judged or silly or looked down upon. When you can make decisions that never pan out and you fail time and time again and never be judged for not following through with it. When you can quit and give up on the world around you and spiral downwards and they are there for you time and time again to bring you back from the darkness and lift you up higher than the last time and continuously give you hope and strength you better hang on to that person and cherish them and make them feel like they are the most important thing in the entire world because they Truly are.

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2E9XX7fKwJA  - She's Everything to me
 

My Incredible husband is not an Incredible singer... ;) but I love when this song comes on he sings it with passion and I feel the love in his voice and to me in that moment is the most Incredible singer in the entire world! He has an amazing way of making me feel like I am everything that matters in this crazy world. Like he would do anything to see me smile and to make me happy and giggle. He loves to see joy in me and has done so many things over the years to make that possible for me. I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world now because of this Beautiful man who adores me and wants nothing but for me to have Hope, confidence, strength, determination and to know that I deserve to be loved and cherished and adored.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNZH-emehxA You're still the one

 

 

I spend a great deal of time nurturing my soul with music... It speaks  to my very core and I spend allot of time alone singing my heart out when no one can hear me... I do allot of crying which feels cleansing for me... I choose songs and artists that touch me.. I chose all the songs in this blog because they mean something to me and make me think of "My Knight in Shining Armour" and what he means to me and what our relationship means to both of us and some of the things we have been through and conquered together. I sang "You're Still the One" by Shania Twain at our weeding reception while Steve sat on a chair in the middle of the dance floor ... Most of the friends and family in the room had never heard me sing or even knew that I was very good at it... I sang from my heart & soul and for the first time singing the lyrics to this song I didn't cry like a baby. It was a message  to those in the room who had tried to tell us that we would never make it in life... that we were not meant to be together ... that we made it and we beat the odds and the challenges they all put in our way. I was determined to prove to them that they didn't know anything about US or who we were as a couple and it was my private vow to him that we were better and stronger and that we had taken their challenge head on and we were fighters and our love persevered above all... It was a surprise gift to him and he sat there in total awe and that was the best gift that he could have given me... His pure amazement that I had done something so brave in front of everyone in our lives. There was not dry eye in the room...

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTF97_ve118 - Always

 

The first song we ever danced to.....



Self Love

 



 

Self Esteem is an evil and nasty roller coaster ride. It is something that should be nurtured from the day you are born and starts with your parents and family members. You have heard how that obviously was not a positive factor in my life. My dad would stand over me the towering 6'2" of a monster to me and he would call me names  and say things like I know you wish I was dead and tell me that I was stuck with him so get used to it. Sometimes he would zone out and his eyes were crazy and he would even drool over me he would get so angry. Out of all the things my dad did it was those  times that he belittled me emotionally that did the most damage. My immediate family members had a way of taking you down a notch or to and made sure that we didn't think we we're better then them in anyway shape or form. When you are being mentally and verbally abused and emotionally neglected by your parents it's easy for the rest of the world to take what little chance you might have had to believe anything about yourself.

 

 

As I grew a little older and I started to blossom into my butterfly other members of my family made sure to pick out any and all flaws that I had. Even when I was a size 4 and weighed 100 lbs they would tell me I had a big ass and my thighs were chubby.. they poked and pinched and even tapped my ass and said look at it jiggle. I look back at pictures from that time in my life and I look anorexic... I was not of course because I loved food but I must have had a high metabolism before the kids and the age crept in. I've never allowed myself to feel beautiful or sexy or better than someone else I learned very young that those qualities push people away from you and make them bitter and nasty towards you. I feel the tension and envy from some women and I hate that they cant just see me for me and not judge me by my outside appearance.

 

 

 

I remember visiting Toronto for Korinna's wedding and I had been in Saskatchewan for two yrs already. I had put on weight (30lbs) yes in just two years. My sister had just had her baby 6 months before the wedding and was terrified that family members would ridicule her for the weight gain and she didn't want her wedding to be ruined. I promised her that I would not tolerate anybody that day making her feel anything other than the Gorgeous Bride that she was. Keeping in mind that I had not seen family members for two years I'm expecting a nice reunion for myself when I see them again. Just before my sister is about to get out of the car to walk down the aisle she asked me to get everyone into the church. I started to usher them in and ran into two of my dads sisters who slapped my ass, pinched my things and proceeded to tell  me that Saskatchewan was doing wonders for me and my figure. I was in pure and utter shock to say the least... I could not believe that it was me they would have the audacity to say these things to and I lost my mind! Both my aunts are rail thin and can see bones they are so skinny and that's SEXY??!! don't you know... I told them it was great to see them too and thanks for asking me how I've been that I was happy that I could make them both feel great about themselves and that I may be fat but they would never be anything but the walking dead crack whore looking skinny bitches that I will never bring myself to looking like. It was not pretty and I had my aunt in my face who was in complete shock at how I talked to her because I have never stood up for myself in my entire life with any of them and this is how they had always treated us. She wanted to hit me and I told her to make it good because I was going to put her six feet under when she was done. My poor sister was so concerned it would be her ... I'm sure they would have said something to ruin her moment that day... but I believe that I stunned them into silence..

 

 

 

 

 When I got pregnant with my son they all had opinions about how my life would play out. I was called horrible things by my aunts and uncles... I remember my uncle Mike who was also my god father calling me a whore...I was nothing but a slut... while my mother listened to him call me these things. I was told by many of my relatives that I was going to amount to nothing, a useless welfare case that would strap herself down with too many kids and that my life was ruined. I've spent my whole life proving them wrong and in the process pushed them all away because I have accomplished so much in life through my hatefulness and resentfulness of all of them. Now they don't interact with me or my family because  they think I believe I'm better than them. See they wanted me to fail and to accomplish nothing with my life the way they did with theirs. They feed off of negativity and thrive in others misery. What bothers them the most is that I got no support from them and struggled and persevered without one god damn thing from any of them. What I've learned with success is that it creates envy and with that it actually separates you from others.

 

 

I had another family member who was like a big sister who moved away when I was 12... She was 16 at the time... She and I kept in touch always through letters and phone calls and I adored her. She meant everything to me and made me feel special and was sure to let me know that I was nothing like the rest of them. She has also become one of my biggest disappointments in my life because I realized that she needed me to feel inferior and she needed to feel superior. When I moved closer to her in Saskatchewan at first things were great she took me out met her friends and I felt so welcome. I found work right away and started to have my own stability very quickly and that changed something in her I soon felt neglected and pushed aside and I didn't at first realize why she was treating me the way she was. She would always make me feel like we were competing with each other and she was heavier than I  was and she made me feel bad  and uncomfortable about that and soon I let the weight pile on so that we were equals and so she didn't feel threatened by me. I was always trying to not out do her or look better or be better and tried hard to just be her equal. It was a few years battling the relationship to make it work between us. It just never was the same... Just before my Brother and sister in-law moved to Saskatchewan my Cousin had us over for Thanksgiving dinner the first time in 8 years and she got very intoxicated. In front of everyone in her living room she decided to have a heart to heart with me. She told me that she was jealous of the relationship that my husband and I had and that when I first moved here she didn't understand why I was so sad and needed to be on the phone with him all the time. She said that she didn't understand our relationship and that she was jealous that I was not happy enough being there with her. She told me now that the years have passed she understands how close Steve and I are and the special bond that we share but in the begining it had made her angry. She told me that we needed to spend more time together and that she was jealous of my sister in law moving to Saskatchewan and that it would ruin our relationship. She told me that I didn't need to be Jealous of her oldest step daughter Jackie who was sitting right there and could here this conversation. I have never been jealous of Jackie ... I told her that ... Jackie is her Daughter and that is nothing to be jealous over... I also told her that it was very unfair of her to tell me all of this now about her being jealous of my relationship with my sister in law... that it had been eight years and she never included us in her life like she was suggesting now and why did it take for them moving here for her to want to do that now? I upset her and it changed everything from that moment on. I bought my first home...we got a new vehicle that was like hers (she soon replaced hers to a $90,000 vehicle I could compete with in her eyes) Like  I could ever compete with her in this life...we are not rich like they are. I found an awesome Job and made new friends and became a social butterfly and joined a splurge group and I blossomed. She needed me to need her emotionally and financially and to look up to her and have her on the pedestal I had always had her on. I just realized that who I thought she was and what I needed of her were two different things that just don't work for me. We have not really been apart of each others lives since then and have not spoken altogether the last two years. Her Loss...

 

 

 

I have learned that most people do not like to feel inadequate or inferior and will not want to be apart of your life if you are successful in yours. I try hard to be giving and humble and modest. I should be able to feel proud and hold my head high for my accomplishments when I have had the whole world holding my head down under water most of my life. I have found air pockets and learned to be a survivor and a fighter and although I have won so much I have lost as much along the way. Losing the negative is still a loss and it cuts deep inside a soft and gentle soul like mine. The abandonment issues I have are strong and over powering the not understanding how people who mean so much to you can so easily toss you aside and move on with their lives like you meant nothing at all to them. I put on a good front and poker face that it means nothing to me and that I don't care... but it damages you internally and that is something that can't be seen by others and it's the most difficult to repair.

 

 

I struggle with my weight I think honestly because its easier to be chunky and not deal with people treating you poorly because your skinny or skinnier than they are. It is easier to get along in the world when people are not threatened by you and treat you differently. It's easier for people to see me for me when I am not externally challenging them to not feel bad about themselves. I want desperately to be a better me externally but I challenge myself emotionally with "will it be worth the rest that comes along with it?" Women are evil and caddy when they feel threatened... Men can't just be your friends they see you differently as well. I struggle so much with self image and the balance with the rest of the world that it's killing me most days. I like that people see me for the things I do and the ways I help them and not for what I look like. Is that so wrong? why do I still battle then with wanting to look different too? The first thing women talk about when they are together is their weight... the next fad diet they are on... what they are doing to make themselves twigs... why are we so consumed with what we look like externally and not who we actually are as human beings and how that makes a difference to one another and our relationship? it's like were always competing with one another on a level we pretend does not exist. I feel horrible about the way that I feel but the first thing I do for others is make them feel comfortable and good about themselves. I don't like other people feeling the need to compete with me because that's not what or who I am as a person. So why cant others just treat me that way too??

 

 

I almost feel guilty when I try to make myself better... I don't like feeling judged by others and I don't like them thinking that I feel that I am better than they are. I have decided that I just want to be healthy and I eat as best that I can. I do not lose weight by eating healthy because I have not been able to get myself to exercise routinely as I think I am afraid that I will accomplish that goal and others will leave me or treat me differently...CRAZY RIGHT??!! my success has only done  that to me in the past and so why not when I am successful with this aspect of my life as well?? Your probably thinking why would you want to surround yourself with people who would not be apart of your life if you changed that way anyways right? its the fear of abandonment and acceptance that is the root of that problem. I shouldn't be so vulnerable with allowing others that kind of control over me and my emotions and by sharing this inner demon I am hoping to overcome that fear.

 

 

Goals and commitment to love myself and challenge myself to change and be the compassionate, nurturing, fulfilling person I am to everyone else to me as well. It is so easy to give of myself to everyone else and their needs then it has been to do that for myself without feeling selfish and guilty for thinking about my needs above others. It has drained me and left me feeling empty and void inside and bitter and angry and frustrated and hateful. I hate worrying about everyone else all the time and never being able to do that for myself too. What am I so incapable of putting my needs first? because I was always told that I was unworthy and undeserving and would amount to nothing. The evil inner voice that plays in my mind over and over again needs to be stomped out!

 

 

I think I am finally ready to put me first and to not worry about how the rest of the world see's me. If someone is threatned by you then they have their own demons that they need to work on and right now I need to free me of mine. Success should be celebrated and it should feel spectacular not something that holds you down from accomplishing your goals. I want to stop feeling like a failure after each time I committ myself to something and back down for the fear of what others might think if I make myself Better... Self Love.... Goal # 1 of this new chapter of mine

 

 

 

 





J~

 

Inner Demons

 

This blog was created for the sole purpose of healing myself from the inside out...

I have always been very good at expressing my words by writing them down.. in journals that no one ever sees and then eventually I burn them to cleanse myself... well that was the hopeful plan anyways behind them burning... BUT... it's still there... SO by sharing my thoughts for others to read I'm hoping as I heal myself a little I am able to heal others too...This is the famous need in me to always be thinking and doing for others... It just seems to work for me so why stop now?

 

 

Let's just get to the root of the problem really... We talked about how aunt Mel & Heather we're there for us when we we're just babes... this was a  time period where we lived by the Toronto Beaches by my Nan... My parents even bought their first home.. I have a few odd memories there like chopping off Korinna's hair ... being stuck in my crib and rubbing my shit all over the crib and wall and screaming all day for someone to come and get me... I can still see the fluorescent pink skipping rope tied to the knob of the door to keep me in if I was able to get out of my crib while they we're sleeping off the party from the night before. Korinna drinking a bottle of lighter fluid and me telling them so that she could be taken to the hospital. I was still in diapers for all of these memories... I was no older than 4 or 5 and the crib one I was maybe 2... We remember things never think that your children are too young that they will not remember...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We moved when I was 7 to Regent Park/Moss Park area... we lived on Sherbourne and Dundas but went to Regent Park public School. It was the Ghetto of Toronto filled with drug dealers, prostitutes and druggies and homeless lining the streets and stairwells. My friends all lived in the ghetto itself so I hung out there with them. This was not somewhere you should have chosen to raise your children. To make matters worse mom worked full time no where close to home and dad was a tow truck driver and at that time was rarely home also. I fended for Korinna and I was making sure that we got up and were fed and clothed (usually in our cleanest of dirty clothes) that mounded hip deep in our bedroom double door closet in the bedroom we shared. It was a very long walk to school with one corner a strip club another corner the men's homeless shelter and the church on the other corner we had everything we needed in life...

 

 

 

We made the 20 minute trek to school in the morning back again for lunch where I prepared us something and then back and forth again. We were not allowed to play outside with the other kids when we got home we had chores to do... Dishes, sweeping the carpet in the living room with a corn whisk broom because they didn't own a vacuum cleaner... the dust would get all over everything from doing the rug so everything had to be wiped down and there were pillows that lined the back of the couch to lean on about 15 - 20 of them. so they had to be arranged just so... we had two pit bulls who shit and pissed all over the floors and that needed to be cleaned up... if we wanted clean clothes it had to be hiked down to the laundry room on the main floor of the building and we stole the money to wash the clothes from my dads piggy bank jar which was an old Jack Daniels container a bottle came in or  the brass antique fire hose tank...I tell you this and remind you that I was 7 -8 at the time. If my dad came home and this was not done he would lose his mind... screaming and threatening and telling us how useless we were and how ungrateful.. call us unthinkable names and then the spoon came out... he beat me one time and the wooden spoon broke and I burst out laughing (BIG MISTAKE) he looked at me with his crazy eyes and asked me if I thought that was funny... he took his belt off and told me he would show me what funny was and chased me into my room where i huddled behind my bedroom door where he lifted my shirt and whipped my back over and over again and when he was done he told me that next time I would think about laughing.

 

 

I don't remember my mom  trying to come between him and the beatings or losing his mind or just talking disgusting and belittling us. I know that she was afraid of him but she had choices. My dad was an alcoholic and he not only did drugs but he sold drugs too. They always had money to buy things for themselves and do things for themselves... It was always about their needs and wants we always felt like we were resented for being born and that they wish they never had us. I just remember always feeling in despair and like  I had to walk on egg shells and always make sure I didn't say the wrong thing or look the wrong way and just stay away as often in my room as possible. We battled to hang outside with our friends but it was just another way of my dad controlling us.. Our balcony was on the other side of the building from the play ground so one day he finally gave in and told us that if he called us more than once he would drag us by our hair from the play ground back to the apartment. He kept his word.. he came bounding out the back door and screaming I told you what I would do and grabbed me by my hair and drag me up the stairs in front of all my friends... total humiliation and control. I felt like a slave and my sisters parent and had no freedom or childhood like the rest of my friends. My friends thought my dad was crazy...

 

 

My parents never did things like sit with us and read to us or play games with us. They never tucked you in at night and told you they loved you or how special you were. They never asked how your day was or what we learned at school. They never attended parent teacher interviews or school plays or Christmas concerts. They never cheered you on when you were in a track meet or listen to you sing in the school choir. They don't know my favourite color, food, book or hobby. They don't know what I dreamt of becoming or what aspirations I had in life. They had me by mistake and I felt like I was paying the price for it and being dragged through their hell because they had no other choice but to drag me along because they were stuck with me. Everyone sees this beautiful girl when they look at me.. they don't see the empty shell that I felt like and that at any moment could shatter and break.

 

 

If I found someone who was just as dysfunctional and abusive in my life my mom approved and she loved them. She has only ever seen the outside of a person, how beautiful they are and what possessions they own. She surrounded herself with this type of person no matter how shallow or evil or negative they were on the inside. When I found my husband she put him down, he was Fugly (fucking Ugly) she said that I deserved so much better look at how gorgeous you are what are you thinking? he's a geek, a nerd, yadda yadda... when Steve and I broke up one time I met a boy who was GORGEOUS but was pure manipulative, evil and nasty on the inside. He cheated on me, hit me, called me nasty things, and controlled my every move. I was not allowed to leave my house without his permission that entire summer. My mother ADORED him... My sister Korinna saw right through him and would call him names tell him to Fuck off and slam the door in his face. My mom even invited him to spend the weekend with us up at the trailer. He met Steve (the boy my mom didn't think was good enough for me) this was her intentions all along to rub into Steve's face what I could have and to make sure he felt he wasn't good enough for me. Well Steve (hurt I'm sure) started to call me nasty things and telling Ronnie lies and was just down right horrible. I sobbed while he did these things to me I couldn't believe that he was that mean. But my moms plan worked he hated me and was making sure that Ronnie didn't want me either. Ronnie believed Steve and well it just became more abusive from there until I just broke it off and hid for months. My mom couldn't understand why i would Break up with him?? he was so perfect... she was clueless and the worst judge of character and still is.

 

 

My parents chose to have my sister Tiffany and sat Korinna and I down and asked us if we wanted a baby brother or sister.. what 10 -11 year old doesn't?? Well they got drinking and two months after Tiffany they we're pregnant with Kristy. Mom wasn't working full time anymore and was on mothers allowance and dad lost his license for a year (for the first time) for drinking and driving. So they were financially strapped, miserable and all us kids we're just in the damn way all the time. They tried to make us older two parents of the younger two and I just wasn't going through that all over again. I just checked out and lived with who ever the hell would take me in I bounced around from my Nan's to my aunt's back home where things got even worse because I fought back both verbally and physically. As I got older I got angrier and bitter and just down right Nasty and was not going to tolerate anybody anymore. That landed my uncle in the hospital and almost another one too because they tried protecting me from one of my famous fights with dad (Two by four piece of wood) to the head and cracking my head over and over again on his knee because I wiped a telephone that he threatened to take from me (my only connection to Steve) down the stairs at his head that he took the steps two at a time before he reached me in a rage. My schooling suffered I started drinking very heavily and smoking marijuana and just wanted desperately for someone to love me and  I was being as destructive to myself to just get their attention even if it was all the wrong attention I was getting in the end. I just never could understand why they never wanted to know me or about me or why they just couldn't be like my friends parents who show they cared and love.

 

I started calling Steve again because I never stopped thinking of him or wanting to be with him. We started to hang out and before we knew it we were back together again. He helped me through so much of my anger and issues and he seen so much that I was ashamed to let anyone else see. I never invited friends over to our house in fear of what they thought of how dirty it was, my dads temper and just the complete dysfunction of it all. My best friend Tammy was never once in my house growing up and when we became adults I mentioned that to her and she was stunned when she realized that i was right I had never invited her over not ever. Steve has been so many things in my life, my best friend, my first true love, my first, my rock, he is my heart & soul. He saved me in so many ways that a broken soul can be saved. It has been 25 years that we have been together... yes I was eleven when we first started dating and other than the one year I was not with him through the whole (Ronnie) fiasco we have been together. Steve comes from a real family with many aunts and uncles and cousins who all play a huge role in family life and get together. It was hard for Steve to realize how different our families are and although he has always been accepting It does place a wedge sometimes in the understanding department.

 

 

 

I had one very memorable birthday in the buildings rec room my parents had invited all my friends and relatives and because my birthday was the day before Halloween we all got dressed up in costumes... I even got the guitar I wanted so badly... This was a time just before we started hanging out with Aunt Cheryl and uncle Murray who had everything and did everything for their kids..I think it was to impress them but I didn't care I loved that birthday.

 

 

 

Some of my best times we're when we hung out with their family.. before that we never hung out with family members or cousins and it was so nice to have cousins to share things with.. we practically lived there when i was around 9 or 10... My aunt and uncle had a trailer at a camp ground and we soon started going up to visit there too with them. I loved it there we were allowed to just go and explore and be with other kids and  there was swimming pools and play grounds and a rec hall where they did activities and Saturday night dances. Korinna and I had such a sense of freedom on the weekends its was breath taking. Soon my parents bought a tiny trailer and we had our own place and went up every weekend. Korinna and I had the van to sleep in because the trailer wasn't big enough. The girls we're just babies then and they stayed in the trailer with my parents. The girls we're lucky because they always had the campground from the beginning of their childhood (what a blessing) it was amazing there.

 

 

Steve would have done anything for me or to make me happy and I needed to feel unconditionally loved. I wanted a baby ... someone who would be all mine and would love me and I could throw my heart and soul into... I needed this baby to feel whole and complete and Steve would do anything to make me feel that way. We decided that we would try to have a baby and it didn't take long before I was expecting. I was only 15 and scared to death now... living with Steve basically I just never went home and his parents had no idea until I was 7 months along... They we're in shock at first but very quickly accepting and not ashamed and we told everyone. My mother went off the deep end threatened to make me have an abortion and didn't believe that I purposely got pregnant when I told her I wouldn't be having an abortion with a baby that I purposely got pregnant with.. I obviously told them way before Steve's parents when abortion was still an option. I wanted to hurt my parents and basically let them know I didn't need them anymore I had a man who loved me and now would have my own family to love me. I wanted to continue going to school and when I got to big I found a place called Jesse's for teenage moms. It had a program for you to continue getting education and school credits while you were pregnant. It was closer to my parents and they said we could stay with them to make it easier for me to get there by bus. Steve had his car and still was finishing up grade 12 in Scarborough my parents lived downtown Toronto. We didn't have much between school and Steve working after school but we were saving as much as we could because we wanted our own place. Steve's parents understood why we were moving in with my folks. My parents soon sat us down one night and told us that they were going to charge us rent. Steve and I were in shock we had only been there a few days and they were already asking us for money. His parents fed me and let me live there for over a year and had never once even suggested such a thing. I sobbed uncontrollably when we went back to our room. I was embarrassed and ashamed and didn't know what to do. we couldn't afford to give them money and Steve would have to be spending the gas money just to get to school from there as it was. we packed up and left that night when everyone else was sleeping and moved back to his parents house. I don't remember if they called or what was said or how long before I seen them again I just blocked that all out apparently?! I think that was truly the beginning of the end for me emotionally with them.

 

 

Steve and I lived in our first basement apartment with our son for 11 months and my parents never once came to visit us there. During his first year of life I can count on one hand the times they seen him. It was only then when we brought him to the trailer even that they seen him not because they made the effort. My mom wanted a son so badly and she made such a big deal with Steve's mom that if it was a boy she would spoil him rotten and if it was a girl Steve's mom would be on cloud nine because she had two boys. I was truly hoping that if I had a son it would bring my parents around and that they would be loving and nurturing but that never happened. We moved into the same building as Steve's parents and lived there for years my parents came once a year for Dylan's birthday. They never randomly wanted to come by to see him or just to visit us. They never tried to be active in our lives and always told us the 20 minute drive was too much for them to make. Then there were Steve's parents who would just get home and call down so we could ride the elevator up with Dylan so he could run down to their apt to spend hours with them every night. I am so grateful for them.. but it makes you resentful all at the same time. I just don't understand to this day why my parents were never like that? what makes them so different and incapable?

 

 

My mom ran into an old boyfriend at her 40th birthday party... My dad had been sober at this point for 10 years and was not the same person Korinna & I grew up with. He almost killed my sister Kristy and himself chasing an accident to be the first tow truck on scene when she was only 2 yrs old. He said that the truck was going over the bridge on the DVP and to this day doesn't understand why it didn't go over. He quit cold turkey. They had just paid off their house and he bought her diamond earrings for her birthday gift... apparently everything was falling together and life was different... Mom sent dad to the store for dinner things... and gave the girls each a garbage bag and told them to grab what ever they could they had 5 mins that they were leaving. She left my dad after 25 yrs of marriage and ran with my sisters to live with her childhood boyfriend. He left his wife and their children to be with my mom. My sisters have demons and ruined childhoods because of this. They didn't know the father we knew, he was sober their lifetimes... they had everything up until this point... yes the house was nasty and my parents still yelled and screamed and were not the loving nurturing parents but they had normal compared to us that was ripped from under their feet in that moment. My mother from that moment on has chosen this other man and his kids over them every step of the way.

 

 

 

If there has been a fight ... mom chooses him... if the kids all didn't get along ... it was my sisters not his kids... his kids got everything, sports, clothes, life's basics needs, my sisters went without. Tiffany could not wait to run away from it all... my biggest regret is not asking Kristy to come too... I just never knew how bad it was at the time...everything happens for a reason I believe that but I do feel guilty for not taking her too. Mom has never been an active role in my children's life and we stopped existing the moment we moved out west. She never called on birthdays, Christmas, Easter, thanksgiving, never mind just randomly calling to say hello. I confronted her on this and she said Jenny you know I'm not good at remembering birthdays... I freaked out and told  her how do you not remember your first Born's birthday?? it happens to be the day before Halloween how much easier can that be to remember?? my sister Korinna was born on Mothers day... Tiff is the first day back to school every year... and Kristy is the week after her birthday... I mean get real here like you should even need markers to remember but there they are to help you out!

 

i have lived in Saskatchewan now for 11 years and my mother has not once attempted to come here. Her new Husband and I had a huge fight the time I was there for my nan's funeral. He said I live in bum fuck Idaho and that if she wanted to waste her time and money to see nothing that he wasn't stopping her that she can come out but it will be by herself. He knows damn well that she will not visit without him and that what he says plays a huge impact on what she thinks. So he's driven the yellow head all the way through Saskatchewan... well how fucking boring is that I agree... Nothing  to see... But that's not where I live fuck head! I thought for sure that she would come after Aunt Mel was here because she would feel left out... she talked a good talk and still does at times but she will never be here and I'm not sure that I care or if I even want her to come  to criticize where I call home. I love it here and it was the best thing that I ever did for my family and I don't want someone to tarnish that for me.

 

I went last June to visit and my sister Tiff had  her baby while I was there... My mom stole the show that day from me... Tiff wanted me in the room with her and Marks mom and ... well mom made sure that she was there instead. My mother has seen my niece in the last 9 months that can be counted on one hand and thats because of functions that tiff has gone to where mom happened to be not because my mother who was all show for everyone in the hospital ever pulls off the highway to visit my sister who is on mat leave. My mother drives by there twice a day to go to work and you can see the apartment from the highway. My sister Korinna is currently staying with my mom who lives in her mother in laws basement. My sister divorced her husband and needed somewhere to get back on her feet. Nanny Ann is the best thing that came out of this mess my mother made. She is the sweetest, gentlest, loving, soft spoken , Dollie face that you will ever meet. I cant believe that she made such a useless jack ass for a son! My mother has been harping on my sister now for a couple of weeks to basically hurry up and move out so she can have her space back. She even went so far as to mention in front of my sister and my aunts last night to Nanny Ann that she wanted to turn the Basement into a one bedroom suite instead of two to make more room for them. My Nanny Ann said that she could do this when Korinna moved out when she was ready to move out. My mom said oh I know I just wanted to see what your thought about the idea. She is such a bitch... My sister feels like she is intruding and she truly has no where to go right now and my mother is making her feel like she is in the way. Who does that to their child?? His son and girlfriend lived with my mom for years and never once did they ask or suggest that they move out. This is not even my mothers house for her to even make that suggestion it's Nanny Ann's.

 

 

All these years and I'm still not able to tell my parents what damage they have done, things I don't agree with, How they make me feel and how much  they put me through and continue to put me through. They are incapable of understanding anyways ... my mom is a manipulator and mind game player and knows how to guilt the best of them. My dad I learned comes from an incredibly abusive home and his childhood explains the alcohol to run away from all of it all and I even understand why he is incapable of showing the kind of emotions and love that a father should be able to show. He was also diagnosed with schizophrenia and manic depression after my mom left him he attempted suicide and Steve and I found him. I had to admit him into the phychiatirc ward where he spent a few months.. I even had to have him released to walk me down the aisle as this all happened just before I was married. My younger sisters watched this man go from what they knew as normal to a broken down crazy shell of a man from mom leaving the way she did. It has done irrevocable damage to them both mentally and emotionally and they feel guilt that is not theirs to have. They were children and no matter what they knew or what they would have done it would not have changed what has become because the choice was hers and not theirs and would have been made someway somehow.

 

 

 

My dad is not the same person that I remember as a child or that even my younger siblings remember as a child. He trys to be active in our lives and calls me every sunday for sure sometimes more than that. My dad stayed with Steve and I for 6 months shortly after we moved here but his medications and the cost of them sent him back to Ontario. He has been to visit us 4 times in total and loves it here. When dad is on the phone with me he is open and talkative and communicates and its easy for him to express himself. Last summer he came for three weeks and barley said a word to me unless I pulled it out of him. He is awkward and uncomfortable and just not able to be himself when hes with us? I'm not sure what that's all about? he is almost child like in some ways and it can be difficult for Steve sometimes who just doesn't understand what the hell happened to the man who use to scare the shit out of him. My dad is a shell of the person who use to be him...something broke when mom left him like she did... I know she threatened him all the year's of my life... I don't think he thought she would ever find the courage... She chose a time when he changed so much and was not the person that she was afraid of anymore I guess she wasn't afraid anymore?

 

 

I'm a grown adult with almost grown adult children and this still effects me emotionally and mentally and has some kind of a hold on me somewhere deep inside of my soul. The choices you make and continue to make with the lives of your children forever affect them and who they are as human beings. I have struggled not to allow this to interfere and ruin my children as well. Things  you learn sneak in and it's an everyday inner battle and challenge to not let the demons win... I never want my children to look back and wish that I was not wanted in their lives and that I hurt them to the point of irrevocable internal turmoil and damage to their well being. I want them to think my mom wasn't perfect but she tried and she always went out of her way to make changes and make things better because she wanted the best for us.