Self Esteem is an evil and nasty roller coaster ride. It is something that should be nurtured from the day you are born and starts with your parents and family members. You have heard how that obviously was not a positive factor in my life. My dad would stand over me the towering 6'2" of a monster to me and he would call me names and say things like I know you wish I was dead and tell me that I was stuck with him so get used to it. Sometimes he would zone out and his eyes were crazy and he would even drool over me he would get so angry. Out of all the things my dad did it was those times that he belittled me emotionally that did the most damage. My immediate family members had a way of taking you down a notch or to and made sure that we didn't think we we're better then them in anyway shape or form. When you are being mentally and verbally abused and emotionally neglected by your parents it's easy for the rest of the world to take what little chance you might have had to believe anything about yourself.
As I grew a little older and I started to blossom into my butterfly other members of my family made sure to pick out any and all flaws that I had. Even when I was a size 4 and weighed 100 lbs they would tell me I had a big ass and my thighs were chubby.. they poked and pinched and even tapped my ass and said look at it jiggle. I look back at pictures from that time in my life and I look anorexic... I was not of course because I loved food but I must have had a high metabolism before the kids and the age crept in. I've never allowed myself to feel beautiful or sexy or better than someone else I learned very young that those qualities push people away from you and make them bitter and nasty towards you. I feel the tension and envy from some women and I hate that they cant just see me for me and not judge me by my outside appearance.
I remember visiting Toronto for Korinna's wedding and I had been in Saskatchewan for two yrs already. I had put on weight (30lbs) yes in just two years. My sister had just had her baby 6 months before the wedding and was terrified that family members would ridicule her for the weight gain and she didn't want her wedding to be ruined. I promised her that I would not tolerate anybody that day making her feel anything other than the Gorgeous Bride that she was. Keeping in mind that I had not seen family members for two years I'm expecting a nice reunion for myself when I see them again. Just before my sister is about to get out of the car to walk down the aisle she asked me to get everyone into the church. I started to usher them in and ran into two of my dads sisters who slapped my ass, pinched my things and proceeded to tell me that Saskatchewan was doing wonders for me and my figure. I was in pure and utter shock to say the least... I could not believe that it was me they would have the audacity to say these things to and I lost my mind! Both my aunts are rail thin and can see bones they are so skinny and that's SEXY??!! don't you know... I told them it was great to see them too and thanks for asking me how I've been that I was happy that I could make them both feel great about themselves and that I may be fat but they would never be anything but the walking dead crack whore looking skinny bitches that I will never bring myself to looking like. It was not pretty and I had my aunt in my face who was in complete shock at how I talked to her because I have never stood up for myself in my entire life with any of them and this is how they had always treated us. She wanted to hit me and I told her to make it good because I was going to put her six feet under when she was done. My poor sister was so concerned it would be her ... I'm sure they would have said something to ruin her moment that day... but I believe that I stunned them into silence..
When I got pregnant with my son they all had opinions about how my life would play out. I was called horrible things by my aunts and uncles... I remember my uncle Mike who was also my god father calling me a whore...I was nothing but a slut... while my mother listened to him call me these things. I was told by many of my relatives that I was going to amount to nothing, a useless welfare case that would strap herself down with too many kids and that my life was ruined. I've spent my whole life proving them wrong and in the process pushed them all away because I have accomplished so much in life through my hatefulness and resentfulness of all of them. Now they don't interact with me or my family because they think I believe I'm better than them. See they wanted me to fail and to accomplish nothing with my life the way they did with theirs. They feed off of negativity and thrive in others misery. What bothers them the most is that I got no support from them and struggled and persevered without one god damn thing from any of them. What I've learned with success is that it creates envy and with that it actually separates you from others.
I had another family member who was like a big sister who moved away when I was 12... She was 16 at the time... She and I kept in touch always through letters and phone calls and I adored her. She meant everything to me and made me feel special and was sure to let me know that I was nothing like the rest of them. She has also become one of my biggest disappointments in my life because I realized that she needed me to feel inferior and she needed to feel superior. When I moved closer to her in Saskatchewan at first things were great she took me out met her friends and I felt so welcome. I found work right away and started to have my own stability very quickly and that changed something in her I soon felt neglected and pushed aside and I didn't at first realize why she was treating me the way she was. She would always make me feel like we were competing with each other and she was heavier than I was and she made me feel bad and uncomfortable about that and soon I let the weight pile on so that we were equals and so she didn't feel threatened by me. I was always trying to not out do her or look better or be better and tried hard to just be her equal. It was a few years battling the relationship to make it work between us. It just never was the same... Just before my Brother and sister in-law moved to Saskatchewan my Cousin had us over for Thanksgiving dinner the first time in 8 years and she got very intoxicated. In front of everyone in her living room she decided to have a heart to heart with me. She told me that she was jealous of the relationship that my husband and I had and that when I first moved here she didn't understand why I was so sad and needed to be on the phone with him all the time. She said that she didn't understand our relationship and that she was jealous that I was not happy enough being there with her. She told me now that the years have passed she understands how close Steve and I are and the special bond that we share but in the begining it had made her angry. She told me that we needed to spend more time together and that she was jealous of my sister in law moving to Saskatchewan and that it would ruin our relationship. She told me that I didn't need to be Jealous of her oldest step daughter Jackie who was sitting right there and could here this conversation. I have never been jealous of Jackie ... I told her that ... Jackie is her Daughter and that is nothing to be jealous over... I also told her that it was very unfair of her to tell me all of this now about her being jealous of my relationship with my sister in law... that it had been eight years and she never included us in her life like she was suggesting now and why did it take for them moving here for her to want to do that now? I upset her and it changed everything from that moment on. I bought my first home...we got a new vehicle that was like hers (she soon replaced hers to a $90,000 vehicle I could compete with in her eyes) Like I could ever compete with her in this life...we are not rich like they are. I found an awesome Job and made new friends and became a social butterfly and joined a splurge group and I blossomed. She needed me to need her emotionally and financially and to look up to her and have her on the pedestal I had always had her on. I just realized that who I thought she was and what I needed of her were two different things that just don't work for me. We have not really been apart of each others lives since then and have not spoken altogether the last two years. Her Loss...
I have learned that most people do not like to feel inadequate or inferior and will not want to be apart of your life if you are successful in yours. I try hard to be giving and humble and modest. I should be able to feel proud and hold my head high for my accomplishments when I have had the whole world holding my head down under water most of my life. I have found air pockets and learned to be a survivor and a fighter and although I have won so much I have lost as much along the way. Losing the negative is still a loss and it cuts deep inside a soft and gentle soul like mine. The abandonment issues I have are strong and over powering the not understanding how people who mean so much to you can so easily toss you aside and move on with their lives like you meant nothing at all to them. I put on a good front and poker face that it means nothing to me and that I don't care... but it damages you internally and that is something that can't be seen by others and it's the most difficult to repair.
I struggle with my weight I think honestly because its easier to be chunky and not deal with people treating you poorly because your skinny or skinnier than they are. It is easier to get along in the world when people are not threatened by you and treat you differently. It's easier for people to see me for me when I am not externally challenging them to not feel bad about themselves. I want desperately to be a better me externally but I challenge myself emotionally with "will it be worth the rest that comes along with it?" Women are evil and caddy when they feel threatened... Men can't just be your friends they see you differently as well. I struggle so much with self image and the balance with the rest of the world that it's killing me most days. I like that people see me for the things I do and the ways I help them and not for what I look like. Is that so wrong? why do I still battle then with wanting to look different too? The first thing women talk about when they are together is their weight... the next fad diet they are on... what they are doing to make themselves twigs... why are we so consumed with what we look like externally and not who we actually are as human beings and how that makes a difference to one another and our relationship? it's like were always competing with one another on a level we pretend does not exist. I feel horrible about the way that I feel but the first thing I do for others is make them feel comfortable and good about themselves. I don't like other people feeling the need to compete with me because that's not what or who I am as a person. So why cant others just treat me that way too??
I almost feel guilty when I try to make myself better... I don't like feeling judged by others and I don't like them thinking that I feel that I am better than they are. I have decided that I just want to be healthy and I eat as best that I can. I do not lose weight by eating healthy because I have not been able to get myself to exercise routinely as I think I am afraid that I will accomplish that goal and others will leave me or treat me differently...CRAZY RIGHT??!! my success has only done that to me in the past and so why not when I am successful with this aspect of my life as well?? Your probably thinking why would you want to surround yourself with people who would not be apart of your life if you changed that way anyways right? its the fear of abandonment and acceptance that is the root of that problem. I shouldn't be so vulnerable with allowing others that kind of control over me and my emotions and by sharing this inner demon I am hoping to overcome that fear.
Goals and commitment to love myself and challenge myself to change and be the compassionate, nurturing, fulfilling person I am to everyone else to me as well. It is so easy to give of myself to everyone else and their needs then it has been to do that for myself without feeling selfish and guilty for thinking about my needs above others. It has drained me and left me feeling empty and void inside and bitter and angry and frustrated and hateful. I hate worrying about everyone else all the time and never being able to do that for myself too. What am I so incapable of putting my needs first? because I was always told that I was unworthy and undeserving and would amount to nothing. The evil inner voice that plays in my mind over and over again needs to be stomped out!
I think I am finally ready to put me first and to not worry about how the rest of the world see's me. If someone is threatned by you then they have their own demons that they need to work on and right now I need to free me of mine. Success should be celebrated and it should feel spectacular not something that holds you down from accomplishing your goals. I want to stop feeling like a failure after each time I committ myself to something and back down for the fear of what others might think if I make myself Better... Self Love.... Goal # 1 of this new chapter of mine
J~
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