Inner Demons

 

This blog was created for the sole purpose of healing myself from the inside out...

I have always been very good at expressing my words by writing them down.. in journals that no one ever sees and then eventually I burn them to cleanse myself... well that was the hopeful plan anyways behind them burning... BUT... it's still there... SO by sharing my thoughts for others to read I'm hoping as I heal myself a little I am able to heal others too...This is the famous need in me to always be thinking and doing for others... It just seems to work for me so why stop now?

 

 

Let's just get to the root of the problem really... We talked about how aunt Mel & Heather we're there for us when we we're just babes... this was a  time period where we lived by the Toronto Beaches by my Nan... My parents even bought their first home.. I have a few odd memories there like chopping off Korinna's hair ... being stuck in my crib and rubbing my shit all over the crib and wall and screaming all day for someone to come and get me... I can still see the fluorescent pink skipping rope tied to the knob of the door to keep me in if I was able to get out of my crib while they we're sleeping off the party from the night before. Korinna drinking a bottle of lighter fluid and me telling them so that she could be taken to the hospital. I was still in diapers for all of these memories... I was no older than 4 or 5 and the crib one I was maybe 2... We remember things never think that your children are too young that they will not remember...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We moved when I was 7 to Regent Park/Moss Park area... we lived on Sherbourne and Dundas but went to Regent Park public School. It was the Ghetto of Toronto filled with drug dealers, prostitutes and druggies and homeless lining the streets and stairwells. My friends all lived in the ghetto itself so I hung out there with them. This was not somewhere you should have chosen to raise your children. To make matters worse mom worked full time no where close to home and dad was a tow truck driver and at that time was rarely home also. I fended for Korinna and I was making sure that we got up and were fed and clothed (usually in our cleanest of dirty clothes) that mounded hip deep in our bedroom double door closet in the bedroom we shared. It was a very long walk to school with one corner a strip club another corner the men's homeless shelter and the church on the other corner we had everything we needed in life...

 

 

 

We made the 20 minute trek to school in the morning back again for lunch where I prepared us something and then back and forth again. We were not allowed to play outside with the other kids when we got home we had chores to do... Dishes, sweeping the carpet in the living room with a corn whisk broom because they didn't own a vacuum cleaner... the dust would get all over everything from doing the rug so everything had to be wiped down and there were pillows that lined the back of the couch to lean on about 15 - 20 of them. so they had to be arranged just so... we had two pit bulls who shit and pissed all over the floors and that needed to be cleaned up... if we wanted clean clothes it had to be hiked down to the laundry room on the main floor of the building and we stole the money to wash the clothes from my dads piggy bank jar which was an old Jack Daniels container a bottle came in or  the brass antique fire hose tank...I tell you this and remind you that I was 7 -8 at the time. If my dad came home and this was not done he would lose his mind... screaming and threatening and telling us how useless we were and how ungrateful.. call us unthinkable names and then the spoon came out... he beat me one time and the wooden spoon broke and I burst out laughing (BIG MISTAKE) he looked at me with his crazy eyes and asked me if I thought that was funny... he took his belt off and told me he would show me what funny was and chased me into my room where i huddled behind my bedroom door where he lifted my shirt and whipped my back over and over again and when he was done he told me that next time I would think about laughing.

 

 

I don't remember my mom  trying to come between him and the beatings or losing his mind or just talking disgusting and belittling us. I know that she was afraid of him but she had choices. My dad was an alcoholic and he not only did drugs but he sold drugs too. They always had money to buy things for themselves and do things for themselves... It was always about their needs and wants we always felt like we were resented for being born and that they wish they never had us. I just remember always feeling in despair and like  I had to walk on egg shells and always make sure I didn't say the wrong thing or look the wrong way and just stay away as often in my room as possible. We battled to hang outside with our friends but it was just another way of my dad controlling us.. Our balcony was on the other side of the building from the play ground so one day he finally gave in and told us that if he called us more than once he would drag us by our hair from the play ground back to the apartment. He kept his word.. he came bounding out the back door and screaming I told you what I would do and grabbed me by my hair and drag me up the stairs in front of all my friends... total humiliation and control. I felt like a slave and my sisters parent and had no freedom or childhood like the rest of my friends. My friends thought my dad was crazy...

 

 

My parents never did things like sit with us and read to us or play games with us. They never tucked you in at night and told you they loved you or how special you were. They never asked how your day was or what we learned at school. They never attended parent teacher interviews or school plays or Christmas concerts. They never cheered you on when you were in a track meet or listen to you sing in the school choir. They don't know my favourite color, food, book or hobby. They don't know what I dreamt of becoming or what aspirations I had in life. They had me by mistake and I felt like I was paying the price for it and being dragged through their hell because they had no other choice but to drag me along because they were stuck with me. Everyone sees this beautiful girl when they look at me.. they don't see the empty shell that I felt like and that at any moment could shatter and break.

 

 

If I found someone who was just as dysfunctional and abusive in my life my mom approved and she loved them. She has only ever seen the outside of a person, how beautiful they are and what possessions they own. She surrounded herself with this type of person no matter how shallow or evil or negative they were on the inside. When I found my husband she put him down, he was Fugly (fucking Ugly) she said that I deserved so much better look at how gorgeous you are what are you thinking? he's a geek, a nerd, yadda yadda... when Steve and I broke up one time I met a boy who was GORGEOUS but was pure manipulative, evil and nasty on the inside. He cheated on me, hit me, called me nasty things, and controlled my every move. I was not allowed to leave my house without his permission that entire summer. My mother ADORED him... My sister Korinna saw right through him and would call him names tell him to Fuck off and slam the door in his face. My mom even invited him to spend the weekend with us up at the trailer. He met Steve (the boy my mom didn't think was good enough for me) this was her intentions all along to rub into Steve's face what I could have and to make sure he felt he wasn't good enough for me. Well Steve (hurt I'm sure) started to call me nasty things and telling Ronnie lies and was just down right horrible. I sobbed while he did these things to me I couldn't believe that he was that mean. But my moms plan worked he hated me and was making sure that Ronnie didn't want me either. Ronnie believed Steve and well it just became more abusive from there until I just broke it off and hid for months. My mom couldn't understand why i would Break up with him?? he was so perfect... she was clueless and the worst judge of character and still is.

 

 

My parents chose to have my sister Tiffany and sat Korinna and I down and asked us if we wanted a baby brother or sister.. what 10 -11 year old doesn't?? Well they got drinking and two months after Tiffany they we're pregnant with Kristy. Mom wasn't working full time anymore and was on mothers allowance and dad lost his license for a year (for the first time) for drinking and driving. So they were financially strapped, miserable and all us kids we're just in the damn way all the time. They tried to make us older two parents of the younger two and I just wasn't going through that all over again. I just checked out and lived with who ever the hell would take me in I bounced around from my Nan's to my aunt's back home where things got even worse because I fought back both verbally and physically. As I got older I got angrier and bitter and just down right Nasty and was not going to tolerate anybody anymore. That landed my uncle in the hospital and almost another one too because they tried protecting me from one of my famous fights with dad (Two by four piece of wood) to the head and cracking my head over and over again on his knee because I wiped a telephone that he threatened to take from me (my only connection to Steve) down the stairs at his head that he took the steps two at a time before he reached me in a rage. My schooling suffered I started drinking very heavily and smoking marijuana and just wanted desperately for someone to love me and  I was being as destructive to myself to just get their attention even if it was all the wrong attention I was getting in the end. I just never could understand why they never wanted to know me or about me or why they just couldn't be like my friends parents who show they cared and love.

 

I started calling Steve again because I never stopped thinking of him or wanting to be with him. We started to hang out and before we knew it we were back together again. He helped me through so much of my anger and issues and he seen so much that I was ashamed to let anyone else see. I never invited friends over to our house in fear of what they thought of how dirty it was, my dads temper and just the complete dysfunction of it all. My best friend Tammy was never once in my house growing up and when we became adults I mentioned that to her and she was stunned when she realized that i was right I had never invited her over not ever. Steve has been so many things in my life, my best friend, my first true love, my first, my rock, he is my heart & soul. He saved me in so many ways that a broken soul can be saved. It has been 25 years that we have been together... yes I was eleven when we first started dating and other than the one year I was not with him through the whole (Ronnie) fiasco we have been together. Steve comes from a real family with many aunts and uncles and cousins who all play a huge role in family life and get together. It was hard for Steve to realize how different our families are and although he has always been accepting It does place a wedge sometimes in the understanding department.

 

 

 

I had one very memorable birthday in the buildings rec room my parents had invited all my friends and relatives and because my birthday was the day before Halloween we all got dressed up in costumes... I even got the guitar I wanted so badly... This was a time just before we started hanging out with Aunt Cheryl and uncle Murray who had everything and did everything for their kids..I think it was to impress them but I didn't care I loved that birthday.

 

 

 

Some of my best times we're when we hung out with their family.. before that we never hung out with family members or cousins and it was so nice to have cousins to share things with.. we practically lived there when i was around 9 or 10... My aunt and uncle had a trailer at a camp ground and we soon started going up to visit there too with them. I loved it there we were allowed to just go and explore and be with other kids and  there was swimming pools and play grounds and a rec hall where they did activities and Saturday night dances. Korinna and I had such a sense of freedom on the weekends its was breath taking. Soon my parents bought a tiny trailer and we had our own place and went up every weekend. Korinna and I had the van to sleep in because the trailer wasn't big enough. The girls we're just babies then and they stayed in the trailer with my parents. The girls we're lucky because they always had the campground from the beginning of their childhood (what a blessing) it was amazing there.

 

 

Steve would have done anything for me or to make me happy and I needed to feel unconditionally loved. I wanted a baby ... someone who would be all mine and would love me and I could throw my heart and soul into... I needed this baby to feel whole and complete and Steve would do anything to make me feel that way. We decided that we would try to have a baby and it didn't take long before I was expecting. I was only 15 and scared to death now... living with Steve basically I just never went home and his parents had no idea until I was 7 months along... They we're in shock at first but very quickly accepting and not ashamed and we told everyone. My mother went off the deep end threatened to make me have an abortion and didn't believe that I purposely got pregnant when I told her I wouldn't be having an abortion with a baby that I purposely got pregnant with.. I obviously told them way before Steve's parents when abortion was still an option. I wanted to hurt my parents and basically let them know I didn't need them anymore I had a man who loved me and now would have my own family to love me. I wanted to continue going to school and when I got to big I found a place called Jesse's for teenage moms. It had a program for you to continue getting education and school credits while you were pregnant. It was closer to my parents and they said we could stay with them to make it easier for me to get there by bus. Steve had his car and still was finishing up grade 12 in Scarborough my parents lived downtown Toronto. We didn't have much between school and Steve working after school but we were saving as much as we could because we wanted our own place. Steve's parents understood why we were moving in with my folks. My parents soon sat us down one night and told us that they were going to charge us rent. Steve and I were in shock we had only been there a few days and they were already asking us for money. His parents fed me and let me live there for over a year and had never once even suggested such a thing. I sobbed uncontrollably when we went back to our room. I was embarrassed and ashamed and didn't know what to do. we couldn't afford to give them money and Steve would have to be spending the gas money just to get to school from there as it was. we packed up and left that night when everyone else was sleeping and moved back to his parents house. I don't remember if they called or what was said or how long before I seen them again I just blocked that all out apparently?! I think that was truly the beginning of the end for me emotionally with them.

 

 

Steve and I lived in our first basement apartment with our son for 11 months and my parents never once came to visit us there. During his first year of life I can count on one hand the times they seen him. It was only then when we brought him to the trailer even that they seen him not because they made the effort. My mom wanted a son so badly and she made such a big deal with Steve's mom that if it was a boy she would spoil him rotten and if it was a girl Steve's mom would be on cloud nine because she had two boys. I was truly hoping that if I had a son it would bring my parents around and that they would be loving and nurturing but that never happened. We moved into the same building as Steve's parents and lived there for years my parents came once a year for Dylan's birthday. They never randomly wanted to come by to see him or just to visit us. They never tried to be active in our lives and always told us the 20 minute drive was too much for them to make. Then there were Steve's parents who would just get home and call down so we could ride the elevator up with Dylan so he could run down to their apt to spend hours with them every night. I am so grateful for them.. but it makes you resentful all at the same time. I just don't understand to this day why my parents were never like that? what makes them so different and incapable?

 

 

My mom ran into an old boyfriend at her 40th birthday party... My dad had been sober at this point for 10 years and was not the same person Korinna & I grew up with. He almost killed my sister Kristy and himself chasing an accident to be the first tow truck on scene when she was only 2 yrs old. He said that the truck was going over the bridge on the DVP and to this day doesn't understand why it didn't go over. He quit cold turkey. They had just paid off their house and he bought her diamond earrings for her birthday gift... apparently everything was falling together and life was different... Mom sent dad to the store for dinner things... and gave the girls each a garbage bag and told them to grab what ever they could they had 5 mins that they were leaving. She left my dad after 25 yrs of marriage and ran with my sisters to live with her childhood boyfriend. He left his wife and their children to be with my mom. My sisters have demons and ruined childhoods because of this. They didn't know the father we knew, he was sober their lifetimes... they had everything up until this point... yes the house was nasty and my parents still yelled and screamed and were not the loving nurturing parents but they had normal compared to us that was ripped from under their feet in that moment. My mother from that moment on has chosen this other man and his kids over them every step of the way.

 

 

 

If there has been a fight ... mom chooses him... if the kids all didn't get along ... it was my sisters not his kids... his kids got everything, sports, clothes, life's basics needs, my sisters went without. Tiffany could not wait to run away from it all... my biggest regret is not asking Kristy to come too... I just never knew how bad it was at the time...everything happens for a reason I believe that but I do feel guilty for not taking her too. Mom has never been an active role in my children's life and we stopped existing the moment we moved out west. She never called on birthdays, Christmas, Easter, thanksgiving, never mind just randomly calling to say hello. I confronted her on this and she said Jenny you know I'm not good at remembering birthdays... I freaked out and told  her how do you not remember your first Born's birthday?? it happens to be the day before Halloween how much easier can that be to remember?? my sister Korinna was born on Mothers day... Tiff is the first day back to school every year... and Kristy is the week after her birthday... I mean get real here like you should even need markers to remember but there they are to help you out!

 

i have lived in Saskatchewan now for 11 years and my mother has not once attempted to come here. Her new Husband and I had a huge fight the time I was there for my nan's funeral. He said I live in bum fuck Idaho and that if she wanted to waste her time and money to see nothing that he wasn't stopping her that she can come out but it will be by herself. He knows damn well that she will not visit without him and that what he says plays a huge impact on what she thinks. So he's driven the yellow head all the way through Saskatchewan... well how fucking boring is that I agree... Nothing  to see... But that's not where I live fuck head! I thought for sure that she would come after Aunt Mel was here because she would feel left out... she talked a good talk and still does at times but she will never be here and I'm not sure that I care or if I even want her to come  to criticize where I call home. I love it here and it was the best thing that I ever did for my family and I don't want someone to tarnish that for me.

 

I went last June to visit and my sister Tiff had  her baby while I was there... My mom stole the show that day from me... Tiff wanted me in the room with her and Marks mom and ... well mom made sure that she was there instead. My mother has seen my niece in the last 9 months that can be counted on one hand and thats because of functions that tiff has gone to where mom happened to be not because my mother who was all show for everyone in the hospital ever pulls off the highway to visit my sister who is on mat leave. My mother drives by there twice a day to go to work and you can see the apartment from the highway. My sister Korinna is currently staying with my mom who lives in her mother in laws basement. My sister divorced her husband and needed somewhere to get back on her feet. Nanny Ann is the best thing that came out of this mess my mother made. She is the sweetest, gentlest, loving, soft spoken , Dollie face that you will ever meet. I cant believe that she made such a useless jack ass for a son! My mother has been harping on my sister now for a couple of weeks to basically hurry up and move out so she can have her space back. She even went so far as to mention in front of my sister and my aunts last night to Nanny Ann that she wanted to turn the Basement into a one bedroom suite instead of two to make more room for them. My Nanny Ann said that she could do this when Korinna moved out when she was ready to move out. My mom said oh I know I just wanted to see what your thought about the idea. She is such a bitch... My sister feels like she is intruding and she truly has no where to go right now and my mother is making her feel like she is in the way. Who does that to their child?? His son and girlfriend lived with my mom for years and never once did they ask or suggest that they move out. This is not even my mothers house for her to even make that suggestion it's Nanny Ann's.

 

 

All these years and I'm still not able to tell my parents what damage they have done, things I don't agree with, How they make me feel and how much  they put me through and continue to put me through. They are incapable of understanding anyways ... my mom is a manipulator and mind game player and knows how to guilt the best of them. My dad I learned comes from an incredibly abusive home and his childhood explains the alcohol to run away from all of it all and I even understand why he is incapable of showing the kind of emotions and love that a father should be able to show. He was also diagnosed with schizophrenia and manic depression after my mom left him he attempted suicide and Steve and I found him. I had to admit him into the phychiatirc ward where he spent a few months.. I even had to have him released to walk me down the aisle as this all happened just before I was married. My younger sisters watched this man go from what they knew as normal to a broken down crazy shell of a man from mom leaving the way she did. It has done irrevocable damage to them both mentally and emotionally and they feel guilt that is not theirs to have. They were children and no matter what they knew or what they would have done it would not have changed what has become because the choice was hers and not theirs and would have been made someway somehow.

 

 

 

My dad is not the same person that I remember as a child or that even my younger siblings remember as a child. He trys to be active in our lives and calls me every sunday for sure sometimes more than that. My dad stayed with Steve and I for 6 months shortly after we moved here but his medications and the cost of them sent him back to Ontario. He has been to visit us 4 times in total and loves it here. When dad is on the phone with me he is open and talkative and communicates and its easy for him to express himself. Last summer he came for three weeks and barley said a word to me unless I pulled it out of him. He is awkward and uncomfortable and just not able to be himself when hes with us? I'm not sure what that's all about? he is almost child like in some ways and it can be difficult for Steve sometimes who just doesn't understand what the hell happened to the man who use to scare the shit out of him. My dad is a shell of the person who use to be him...something broke when mom left him like she did... I know she threatened him all the year's of my life... I don't think he thought she would ever find the courage... She chose a time when he changed so much and was not the person that she was afraid of anymore I guess she wasn't afraid anymore?

 

 

I'm a grown adult with almost grown adult children and this still effects me emotionally and mentally and has some kind of a hold on me somewhere deep inside of my soul. The choices you make and continue to make with the lives of your children forever affect them and who they are as human beings. I have struggled not to allow this to interfere and ruin my children as well. Things  you learn sneak in and it's an everyday inner battle and challenge to not let the demons win... I never want my children to look back and wish that I was not wanted in their lives and that I hurt them to the point of irrevocable internal turmoil and damage to their well being. I want them to think my mom wasn't perfect but she tried and she always went out of her way to make changes and make things better because she wanted the best for us.